Are you listening to what she’s really saying?

We’ve all been there: you think everything is fine and suddenly she’s upset about something or angry. (She’s probably been leaving hints about it for months but us guys never notice).

Before you know it, you’re trying to comfort her on something that you may think is trivial, or arguing with her about something that happens months ago.

Now I’m no female whisperer (that sounded a lot less creepy in my head) but I have learned that it’s not necessarily the events or even the reality of the situation that is the problem. It could be something else. Something that may not look obvious on the surface.

Let me be clear I’m not talking about obvious stuff like you accidentally kill her cat. She’s annoyed that you killed her cat. There’s no deep underlying issue there.

No, I’m talking about the times when it doesn’t quite make sense to you as to why she’s annoyed or upset. On the surface, there may not be any logical cause and effect.

What actually happened and how it made her feel are two separate things.

Let me give an extreme example: you’re arguing with your girlfriend about having to go to her sister’s choir recital and she says something like “this is just like the time you forgot our anniversary”.

Now your first reaction might be:

  • What the hell has this got to do with anything?
  • That’s not even true
  • Why is she bringing up the past?

Before you know it, you’re arguing about how you’re god’s gift to anniversaries and how she never sticks to the subject. You’ve entirely missed what she was trying to communicate and nothing was solved.

That’s because right now you’re looking at things far too plainly. What we need to do is decode what she’s actually saying. Here’s a list of possibilities:

  • You don’t care about things that are important to me
  • If you don’t care about things that are important to me do you really care about me?
  • You may not have forgotten my birthday, but it felt like at the time you weren’t willing to make enough of an effort and that’s exactly how I feel now

Now, can you be certain of what it actually is she’s trying to say in every case? No of course not. In some scenarios, it’s not going to be obvious, in some scenarios you might have to probe her to find out what the real issue is.

The key thing I want you to do is to focus on her emotions rather than the actual events or facts of the situation, and then you might resolve things quicker.

What do you think? Do you agree?  Leave a comment below


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